Driving away from the wreck of the day...

Maybe if I write it will be alright. I wish I had something profound to say...Instead, I'm just sitting here with my laptop, accomplishing nothing as usual, and I just popped a piece of Dubble Bubble in my mouth. I'll only chew it until it loses flavor and throw it into the trash. That seems to be characteristic of my life lately. When something loses its flavor, I throw it away.

Maybe if I blog, it will all come out of me. You see, there's something lurking inside of me, just underneath the surface that is trying to break through, to break free. I don't know if it's something good or bad, but I know that whatever it is, it's wreaking havoc on my life.

I wish I could say that I had the motivation, but it'd be a lie. Not that lying is hard to do; I do it all the time, but only to hide myself. I simply don't have the motivation anymore. I am trapped. I feel suffocated. I can't seem to find the reason why. Is it because I'm not in France anymore? Is this a delayed reaction to re-entering the States? Is it because I hate Meredith most days because of what this place has become? Do I really even hate Meredith? Or is France just so ingrained into me that I would not be happy anywhere else, at least not right now?

Everyone keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. I've been taking it one day at a time for so long and yet one day never makes any difference. With each day that passes, the further I get behind. Inside my head, I KNOW what I need to be doing...at least somewhat. Why can't I do these things? Often when I sit down to try to accomplish something, I send myself into a tizzy. If it were possible for me to self-soothe, don't you think I'd have learned HOW to do so by now? I can't think clearly anymore. My brain is all fuzzy.


Life is spinning out of control and I'm powerless...

Breathe (2am):

"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to."